Car #1

If you want to be a successful and efficient driver in the state of Florida, here are some tips and guidelines for you to follow:

At A Stop

• Any time you are at a stop, and about to go, hit the gas. Don’t ease it in, just press the pedal to the floor until you hit the speed you’re looking for (which should be no less than 15 over the speed limit), otherwise you’re wasting precious time.

• Do not stop at a red light if you're turning right, unless some asshole is actually coming in your direction and can possibly hit you if you don't think your car is fast enough. If you do see a car coming, and it's fairly close, but you are pretty sure hitting the gas will accelerate your car enough to get to at least the speed limit before he makes it to your rear, then go ahead. You know they'll just switch lanes when they see you pull out anyway, thinking they're going to pass you, but then you'll show them who's the leader of the line by going faster.
• If you are at a red light, and it turns green, and the person in front of you doesn't budge within a couple of seconds, lay on the horn. Even if there are people in front of the person in front of you, lay it on. They might flick you off, but are bound to honk as well.
• Always, always, stop within a foot of the car in front of you.

Passing

• When driving, it is important to always be ahead of everyone else. In order to do so, you often must pass the people who obviously don't know how to drive as well as you do. The problem is, they usually don't want you to get in front. So when preparing to pass, get close to the bumper of your opponent and swerve into the next lane, never laying off the gas. If you think the car in your blind spot might be a little close, flick your blinker (no more than one time; the reason shall be discussed in a moment) and swerve.
  
• Now, if you see someone coming up on your rear, and you suspect they are going to try to get in front of you, your choice is to 1) wait for them to swerve into the next lane, then hit your gas to prevent them from getting in front of you, or 2) when they switch lanes, switch at the same time.
  
• Never allow your blinker to blink more than once. If you do, all other drivers will speed up to prevent you from switching lanes due to the possibility of your being in front of them.

Speed

• Never do the speed limit. What they mean by "Speed Limit" is that that is the slowest anyone should go, which is often way too slow. The best minimum speed, is 15 over the limit.
• When driving on a freeway/highway, only stay in the right lane if you are doing the speed limit. If you're driving like you're supposed to be (about 90 in a 65, for example), keep to the left.
  
• There is a common misunderstanding about the signs that read, "Slower Traffic Keep Right," where people seem to think that the left lane is a passing lane to get around those who are going slower. This is ridiculous. Clearly the left lane is the "fast lane," and exists to pay absolutely no mind to the speed limit whatsoever.
  
• Neighborhoods, parking lots, 95; it never matters where you are, just don't go so slow.
  

For now, these guidelines and tips should help you become driver number one in any traffic situation.
Stay tuned for more.

American Bananas

The other night, my father-in-law--who is from Sicily--told a story of how bananas in Sicily were very expensive because it is a tropical fruit. Buying a banana was a treat, and one that was relished because it obviously wasn't an everyday consumable for anyone who wasn't wealthy. So my father-in-law saved money every week in order to purchase a savory banana, so that he may enjoy the fruits of his labor.

Years later, when he moved to America, bananas were being sold on virtually every street corner, and for a fraction of a fraction of the cost in Sicily. They were sitting in bunches on carts, ready to be bought and enjoyed; only, my father-in-law didn't desire them so much anymore. The flavor became typical and plain, somehow.

Is there a moral to this story? Probably. But I'm not worried about it. I'm just going to play on the computer a little longer, then go eat a huge breakfast that I'll cook for myself in my kitchen loaded with electric appliances, watch some television on my plasma screen, maybe play some PS3 after that, and then drive to school in my own car to get whatever education I was going there for (I forget).

SKINNY IS THE NEW FAT

One thing American culture has absorbed better than any other around the world, is that you can never be too skinny. If you are skinny, it probably isn’t skinny enough. And if you are skinny enough, you probably don’t have enough bumpy muscles showing.
The starving people across the world who are featherweights in their own right, do not seem to understand the glamour that rides in tow with that small sacrifice. All they need to do is work out a little.

When I was working as a gravedigger, I had to bury a 21 year old girl who went jogging every day in layers of workout clothes during a Florida summer. That’s dedication. With her hard work, some super-duper pills, and understanding that nutritional sustenance is overrated, she was able to beautify herself to the extreme.

How’d she die?

Starving herself or something, but that’s not the point. She’s a martyr for beauty.

Women today understand that meat on the bones equals fat. And fat equals obese. There is no in-between, or levels of being overweight.
Ladies, if your ribs and spinal column aren’t visible, and you don’t have the abs of cobblestone, you’re not hot. Plain and simple. Men like their women built like little boys. I know how that must sound at first, but if you watch any amount of television, you’ll quickly learn that boy-builds and fake boobs are the way to look pretty. Otherwise, you’re ugly, and there’s nothing else you can do about it.

Guys, ask yourself, honestly, what is so sexy about a woman with soft, feminine flesh? Why would anyone want a woman with a cushy round ass and soft, thick thighs, when you can have them lean and tough like tanned jerky?
Little bellies? Ew! You can’t even see the ribs!

Personally, I prefer the smooth edges of woman’s tailbone to grab onto and rub. There’s nothing better than lying in bed naked with your partner, tracing the indentations of her ribs with your finger and caressing the concave of her pelvic bone. Kissing her gently on her thick, strong, pre-pubescent abdominal muscles.

I guess what I’m trying to say, ladies, is that all men are gay, but too macho to admit it. So we all pretend we like women. And if we have to pretend to like women, it’s best that you understand we want you as boyish as possible, so as to eliminate all traces of femininity in your physical stature.

Skinny is not skinny enough, trust me. Never you mind the self-esteem complexes and what not, that’s not what’s important; only losing all your weight and getting that handsome…I mean, beautiful boy build is what is important. Otherwise, no one will ever like you.

All Men Are Created Equal *

* Egalitarianism is completely underrated, despite the rallying cries for such philosophical endeavors, and needs to be realized much more quickly if we are ever to become a society of equals.

It’s perfectly obvious that the only way we can progress as a nation is to level the playing field for everyone and make sure everyone has the same things, behaves the same way, and there is absolute equilibrium among the masses. This will ensure there are no winners, which, in turn, will ensure there are no losers.
No one wants to be a loser, but no one really wants to work at not being a loser, either. It is senseless to think that one need ascertain their own personal faculties and utilize them to grow as an individual, and be successful in their lives. We are all striving for the same goal, so why not just give it to everyone and be done with it?

It’s only natural that we begin creating more equality by taking from those who have, and giving freely to those who have naught. While this process is, and has been in effect for some time, it should go without saying that it hasn’t been effective enough. Those living in poverty, sitting at home, watching their mere 101 cable channels, having to listen to their kids whine and cry while the volume of the television can’t be turned up any louder, waiting for a government check in the mail and a job to fall in their lap that will launch them out of the ghetto, need more help than they are receiving. The bus system that has been developed a block away from their house is still a block away, and that’s far to walk in the Florida heat, let alone wait just so you can get a measly paycheck. (Not to mention having to walk to a place of employment after the bus ride there!)

On the Bright Side of Education

It is well known that without education, one is bound to sink and suffer in society, no matter what the level of education received. When you begin a new job, you have to learn what it is that is required of you. If you want to start a bigger career, such as in nursing or teaching, you will need higher education, so college attendance will be required of you. Fortunately, those who are not of Anglo-Saxon or Caucasian descent have ready access to numerous grants and scholarships as a reward for their being born of a different race.
College life can be difficult, though. Many people are expected to keep paying bills despite their attending college, and this usually means, you guessed it, more work! How you are expected to attend college, successfully execute assignments, and work enough to pay the bills and feed yourself (never mind feeding family; see my previous blog on Family Values for details) is beyond me.
It really shouldn’t be so hard.

On the bright side, those individuals who were the tough educators of yesteryear, and seemed to maintain an absurd set of standards for people to pass their courses, are mostly retiring, and the new generation of educator is being introduced to the education system: Teachers are understanding that expectations in the past have been far too high. It only makes sense that, if we want more people to succeed, we soften those standards. If we want success from our students—the leaders of tomorrow—we need to look on the bright side: Yes, they are reading aloud at a fifth grade level (maybe seventh grade), but they are reading, nevertheless. Yes, they do listen to loud music and/or watch television while working on their homework the night before it is due, thereby skipping over the essentials of what is to be comprehended, but, they are doing their homework. Yes, it is too much trouble to do a five page double-spaced report on subject matter that is relevant to the coursework, so it is better to make it one page, double-spaced, and on something the student can relate to. And no, spelling and grammatical errors don’t really matter, so long as you get the message.

Cut To the Chase

Let’s cut to the chase; no one really wants to have to work and earn a ranking position of respect and success. Everyone wants to just get it and be done with it, and pretty much have life take care of itself, so why not make it happen?

We all want to party and have a good time and not have to worry about responsibility, but still be successful. The catch is, in today’s society, being successful requires responsibility and dedication. It requires dignity and self-respect. For some reason, morals still matter, and all it does is hinder our progress as a nation and keep us from doing what we really want. When this country was founded, it wasn’t to have to work for a living and have the ability to compete with others for the sake of self-betterment and stability without the interference of tyrannical reign. NO! It was to create opportunities to do whatever you want, whenever you want, and let a small crop of officials (never mind who, so long as they are doing their jobs so we don’t have to) take care of the details.

The only way to truly be happy in a society is to make sure no opportunities are present, which eliminates the problem of competition, which, in turn, eliminates losers. Because we are all winners.

I Vote Individualism! (If that's okay with you...)

I want the low riding designer jeans, the tee shirt that stretches to my knees, the gold chain studded with cubic zirconium, and sunglasses that protect 50% of my face.

I want the barber shop Mohawk, the second skin Levi’s, the patented leather pyramid studded belt worn backwards, and the ability to shove PVC pipe through my earlobes.
I want to be covered from head-to-toe with meaningless, but colorful tattoos, and numerous piercings, and sport band shirts that I just bought online, but are luckily made to look old.

I want to grow my hair out and let it hang over my face, and when I can’t see, move it aside just enough so I can see until I move my head another inch and it falls back into my eyes. And I want to wear the tee shirts of bands that were around when I wasn’t even a sperm in a sack, because that is classic cool.

I want to get a truck and hang large plastic testes from the trailer hitch, and put stickers on the back that say, “Cowboy up!” and “Heritage Not Hate” with numerous confederate flags, and blare country music with tremendous amounts of ear piercing treble.

I want to try extra hard to make sure people know I am genuinely cool because I dress myself like I belong in a music video, and I want everyone to know that I really do live my own life and it isn’t dictated by what’s on the radio or in my iPod.

And when I go everywhere, I want to be sure I have enough “friends” on my phone so I can always talk about nothing, but still make it seem like it’s something. I want my life to be dramatic and full of strife because it will make me feel like I’m worth something, and my friends will always be there to help, even though they suck and talk about me behind my back.

I want to make sure it’s known that this country is only second to Puerto Rico, and wear as much Puerto Rico regalia as possible. I want to stick the Puerto Rican flag all over my car, in my yard, on my trike, and make sure it is all next to the word, Boricua! And I want to play monotonous rhythms that thump and plink, and wiggle my hips back and forth for every song like the cultural dancing breakthrough that it is.

I just want to be me, and obviously, so does everyone else.

FAMILY VALUES!!! 50% OFF!!!

Family.
What a pain in the ass.
They can be so pestilent and needy. You don’t want to have anything to do with them because they are so unlike you that you just know they are pretty much useless to this world. Yet, there’s always that annoying, obligatory feeling that you’re supposed to “love” them. If they have views on society, religion, and politics that differ from your own, there really isn’t anything else to talk about because you can be 100% positive they are evil, family or not. I mean, obviously that part of the DNA was not shared! I, for one, know that any family members who don’t share my perspective of life, don’t deserve to be considered family—but technically has to.

There really is nothing worse than having family members that you don’t want. You can’t just get rid of them. You can ignore them, but you can’t really just erase their familial existence, even if they’re dead.
Speaking of dead family members, have you ever noticed how they don’t die fast enough? Most of them act as though their lives are going to last forever, and will maintain this charade of pretending to like or “love” each other, but are secretly looking at their watches to make sure time really is moving at its proper pace. Should you outlive them, you’re obliged to attend the funeral as though you care. When you make it appear as though you’re blowing your nose, you will be hiding your smile behind the tissue.


That family love stuff is so overrated. You can’t rely on anyone in this world, so what makes you think you can rely on your family? They’re people, too! They aren’t you, so they’re absolutely wrong no matter what; and wrong is bad; and bad is evil. Therefore, family is evil, so treat them accordingly…

But never to their face.

Hi-Def Babysitter

One of the wonderful things about technology, is that it allows for greater ease of living. It used to be that parents would send their kids outside to play, allowing the parents time to themselves. This of course posed a threat to the validity of parenting skills when children wound up missing, hit by cars, stung by bees, caught colds, stepped in an ant pile, fell in dirt, laughed too much, used their imaginations, etc. With all of these terrible things happening, parents began to fear for the safety of their parenting image among their peers. Luckily, the birth of cable television came about, and those fears are virtually non-existent anymore.

Teaching children to speak, socialize, recognize colors and animals or foods, is all-too complicated and time consuming. This is why God created television.
(Well, he may not have created it directly, but he does work in mysterious ways, and I’m pretty sure he did it vicariously through us.)
Our time as adults is far too precious to be throwing it away on children, so all that is needed anymore is a television (preferably Hi-Def), a digital cable box with Digital Video Recording capabilities, and a baggie full of Cheerios.
Just turn on the TV, either flip to or play a favorite mesmerizing cartoon that may teach them such important skills as English as a second language, and go off to do whatever you must do, because you are now, if only temporarily, free from the savage grip of the curious and needy child!

Congratulations!

EbSla: The Year English Bid Farewell

It’s good to see—or hear—that people are finally understanding that less is more. The less effort one must put into something, or anything, the better off and happier they are as individuals, and therefore, so is the community as a whole.

The simplicity of attire has been discussed (see the blog “Pajama Republic”). Now, we move on to the unnecessary complexity of language; specifically, the English language.

There is absolutely no reason as to why big, pretentious and snooty sounding words need be used any longer. The people of yesteryear may have used such linguistic anomalies to establish their renown among the plebeian masses, to whom none could ever belong to such an aristocracy.
But today we accept and understand, that we are all plebs at heart, and prefer not to associate ourselves with any intellectual hogwash, let alone moderate forms of thinking and problem solving, because the people of today understand that being smart, is dumb.

In support of this notion, I hereby proclaim the year 2010 (when it arrives), the year of Ebonics and Slang, or EbSla fo shawt.

Der aint no good reason to be usin da long werds no mo, and long as we no wut we talkin bout, no reason 2 be carin how dem thangs is spelt. 2 much energy be put in 2 riding werds and shit. Fo sho der ain gonna be nobody give a damn bout how we be talking. Da real rulez is der ain no rulez an das wussup. So u no we gonna be da ones done takin ova da skoolz and educam…adumaca…ejukashun sistems cuz dey no day cant raze no standerds no mo, cuz we dun did brang’m bak down!

Dog Farts from a Heine

My dog has cancer. He's an old Boxer who is doing well for his age, but his time is coming to an end. It happens to the best of us. I love him dearly, and will miss him just as dearly, and stumbled upon a means to celebrating his memory.

My dog has some serious gas issues. Apparently Boxers tend to fart often anyway, but I'm not sure they all share the same rancid stench my ol' boy does. Anyhow, when I cracked open a Heineken last night (the first in a long time, so I'd forgotten what they were like), a wafting of that familiar dog fart smell floated about my head. But the dog was nowhere in sight.
It was my beer. Crack open a bottle of Heineken, and you too will experience the wrath of my dog's ass.

So when he is gone, I will with a full mug and tear in my eye, lift my Heine in honor of his, and give cheers to my ol' boy.

Pajama Republic

It has come to my attention that our society is evolving from a capitalist nation concerned with name brands, to a minimalist nation concerned with comfort. More and more often I notice individuals in public sporting, not necessarily the latest, but certainly the most comfortable in PJ apparel.

It all started with a pair of slippers. Someone decided to go to the store—it should go without saying what store that was—and simply did not want to take the time to put on some real clothes, let alone shoes. Their pants were sweatpants; people wear those in public, right? Bra-less? Who cares? Florida is hot, even at night, so the holes in the beaten white tee are merely there to support cooling the core of the body. And while flip-flops are quite popular among Florida’s social livestock, they can oftentimes pose a problem: lack of cushioning. To rectify this issue, the individual had a brilliant idea: slippers! These are a convenient means of supporting the feet when mobility is just all too unavoidable, and can “slip” off the foot without having to do anything more than wiggling a toe or two.

Now that’s comfort.

Last night, I noticed a woman walking along the side of the road—mind you it is a very busy road—wearing pajama bottoms of white with what could have been dots of pink flowers. Then I noticed her top matched. I thought, “How wonderful it is that we live in a nation wear individuals are so free, they can be more concerned with comfort than mannerism and etiquette.” It was then that I noticed she was walking up to her friend, who was also wearing some PJs. Hers were old gray sweatpants and what looked like a pink silk top belonging to a pajama set, but I suppose she wanted to mix it up a little. My wife was with me at the time, and explained that just the other day, she’d noticed pajamas were being advertised as fashionable, casual attire. I said, “We truly are lucky. If only the founding fathers were here to witness the fruits of their labor.”

At one time in the history of this great nation, an individual would most certainly be stopped and questioned as to why they are walking along public roads in bedclothes, most likely presumed to be in danger, or perhaps have a screw loose. But not today. Today, it is universally understood that less is definitely more. Comfort and ease is what is important. As citizens of this country, they have the right, nay, the duty of figuring out how to get things done with as little effort and as much comfort as possible, and still maintain their dignity.

As former President W. once said—and this rings just as true as if he were saying it himself—MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!