FAMILY VALUES!!! 50% OFF!!!

Family.
What a pain in the ass.
They can be so pestilent and needy. You don’t want to have anything to do with them because they are so unlike you that you just know they are pretty much useless to this world. Yet, there’s always that annoying, obligatory feeling that you’re supposed to “love” them. If they have views on society, religion, and politics that differ from your own, there really isn’t anything else to talk about because you can be 100% positive they are evil, family or not. I mean, obviously that part of the DNA was not shared! I, for one, know that any family members who don’t share my perspective of life, don’t deserve to be considered family—but technically has to.

There really is nothing worse than having family members that you don’t want. You can’t just get rid of them. You can ignore them, but you can’t really just erase their familial existence, even if they’re dead.
Speaking of dead family members, have you ever noticed how they don’t die fast enough? Most of them act as though their lives are going to last forever, and will maintain this charade of pretending to like or “love” each other, but are secretly looking at their watches to make sure time really is moving at its proper pace. Should you outlive them, you’re obliged to attend the funeral as though you care. When you make it appear as though you’re blowing your nose, you will be hiding your smile behind the tissue.


That family love stuff is so overrated. You can’t rely on anyone in this world, so what makes you think you can rely on your family? They’re people, too! They aren’t you, so they’re absolutely wrong no matter what; and wrong is bad; and bad is evil. Therefore, family is evil, so treat them accordingly…

But never to their face.